Saturday thoughts 

​So these are just some random thoughts I really can’t seem to get over, which I thought I’d share with you.

So lately I’ve really been craving a decent relationship. With a special someone. This may sound silly but I’m quite in the mood for some cute cuddles. To just snuggle up with each other and spend a lazy weekend doing nothing in particular. Someone I could wrap my arms around when I watch a horror movie. To cook something new together. Try something new. To bitch about how much work sucks over text, and for him to say he’d love to kick my boss’s butt. Stuff like that. The little stuff. Someone to give back rubs to, and receive. Talk about our future babies and wonder if they will have my hair or his eyes. Invest a little so that we could buy a house together. Someone who appreciates a good book or at least would respect my love of books. Take a spontaneous trip together. Go hunting for baked goods at 2.00am just because we felt like it.

It seems that men who appreciate the little things in life, the real things in life, are becoming harder and harder to find.

And it’s a lonely business. Being this emotional and sensitive in a world that’s becoming a little less emotional and sensitive with every passing minute


Things that create us

Ever since we’ve been together I was used to waking up together. Usually snuggled in your embrace. You warm and reassuring against me. And almost always hard. So first and foremost we’d make love. Half asleep, smiling sleepily to ourselves, we’d make love. We’d love each other through habit and instinct rather than with wide awake enthusiasm. It was as if we needed this to function throughout the day. Our necessary prerequisite. And it was wonderful. It felt warm, private, intimate, a little rushed but slow and languid nevertheless. It was like a warm tray of your favourite breakfast, which I think it actually was.

You’ll be away for three days. I woke up missing your warmth against me and sleepily groped around for you before I realised you weren’t here and with that realisation,I was fully awake. Acutely aware of your absence and my body craving you I realised how together we have become. How… addicted to each other we are. How you wake me up with a sleepy kiss on my neck and how I kiss your hand in response. We’ve been doing that everyday and it has become habit. Just second nature to go through all of these tiny rituals with someone before you’re even fully awake for the day.

I look at my phone and there you are. My handsome baby. Just woken up with that messy hair I so adore and a message saying “I miss you already and I’m not even awake yet.”

It scares me you know. What if this doesn’t last and what if we will always need each other just to function? What happens if this isn’t meant to be? How can you become so addicted to another human being that without even knowing it you’ve become a part of their soul? Or what if this does last and our warmth ebbs away from us? Every kiss, every declaration of love perfunctory? What do we do then, sweetheart? Where will we go?

So I went on Tinder

In a moment of sheer boredom I decided to sign up for Tinder. And given my luck in the dating world my friends too thought some mindless flirting would be good for me. You know, brush up my flirting skills and get back in the game sort of thing. Also, maybe maybe I would find someone actually dateable they said. You never know, they added. I had my doubts. So off I went.

And after many many left swipes and an equal number of right swipes I found myself chatting with multiple guys at the same time. Sadly this is not a story where I share with you the gross details of unsolicited dick pics I got or how guys got completely weird when I refused sex with them. The guys I chatted with were actually nice. And I believe were patiently waiting to broach the above subject at the correct moment because let’s face it, no guy actually goes on Tinder looking for a solid relationship.

What I wanted to share was how I was beginning to feel. The mindless right swipes and multiple chats were making me feel so hollow. As if the depth and meaning I look for in a relationship have been completely stripped off of it and that I was buying something in a shop. Glancing, evaluating, weighing but never actually having the time to use the product. Also the multiple chats. These guys were telling me their work issues, how late they go home, their passions, likes, dislikes, what they did during the day. All of the conversations revolved around those topics. As if it is my steady boyfriend sharing his life with me. This made me wonder whether all boys do this automatically, as a charming mechanism but never really meaning anything they say, or just talking when the mood strikes them and they are lonely. The ease and smoothness with which my Tinder matches slid into conversations with me made me wonder whether a majority of guys talk in a way that really forges a connection simply because initially it is just the thrill of acquisition, the physical desire. The need for sex.

Somehow these simultaneous conversations were all of the kind I wanted to have with a boyfriend one day, and on Tinder, these conversations completely lost meaning because many guys were sharing their thoughts with me (genuine or not) and therefore the subject matter of these conversations were reduced to something akin to small talk. A character build-up to impress the girl you seek to get.

And how many other girls would they in turn be talking about these things with? Isn’t all just so futile when you think about it? Swiping right on a hundred people, chatting up ten of them and not finding love?

I asked myself what I was doing on Tinder and what I seek to gain out of it. When I couldn’t come up with anything other than flirting, I knew Tinder would ruin a healthy relationship for me in future and I had to get away from it.

So after 10 days, I did

Being “that girl”

I have never been in a relationship. I’m 27 years old and I’ve always been single. And at a time where being single is considered a great achievement, something cheered upon and wholeheartedly encouraged, I should be proud of myself. “Wheee! Look at me I’m single and proud! I don’t need no man by my side.”  Being single, especially for a woman is almost like a badge of honour these days. It’s an accessory which accentuates your fiercely independent spirit. Gone are the days where you “depend” on a man for your emotional and physical wellbeing. You are all the more stronger for not having a partner. You are an inspiration. You have the time of your life, are emotionally balanced and have a completely healthy attitude towards life in general.

Good for you.

(Un)fortunately, I’m not that girl. I do not think it makes me weak to need companionship. I want to have someone to come home to at night. I need someone I can hug or kiss without a reason. Someone to spoil. Someone to fight with, fight for. Someone to have babies with and yes, actually grow old with.

I am that girl. The girl who likes to dress up for her man. The girl who would very much prefer it if there was someone to walk her home at night or feed her chicken soup when she is sick. Because I’m human and I crave companionship. I’m wired that way. I’m wired for long hugs, for early morning “I love you”s and babies with their daddy’s eyes.

I am that girl. And I’m proud. If it makes me weak, I weep for the future of human relationships.


Boys and CP

I have always wondered, especially as of late, why I’m still single. I’m a mature, fairly intelligent girl with a decent face, a good education and a well-paying job in a highly recognized organization. So why does no one seem to want to be with me? I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even been asked out. Yet certain people I know with similar or worse disabilities than cerebral palsy seem to be doing alright. So why in my twenty-five years of existence have I never been the girlfriend of someone?

-Is it because you are afraid of having to look after me?
-Or am I just not hot enough?
-Do you think I’ll be too much of a responsibility?
-Are you afraid of being judged for choosing me?
-Are you just lazy to give that obvious extra effort required to maintain a relationship with a disabled girl?
-Do you think I will be a roadblock to you enjoying life?
-Or do you think there will be just too much family drama involved that it’s just best to not go out with me?
– Am I not wife material?
-Are you unable to picture a meaningful future with me?
-So it’s best to not start something that you cannot finish?
-Are you embarrassed by me?

What is it really? Why have none of you guys ever wanted a relationship with me?

I’m just curious.

Twenty-five, Asian, disabled and looking for love

This list is compiled out of true stories I’ve heard and a few personal experiences in my journey to find love. Though not every single Asian is obviously like this, unfortunately there are quite a few of them around. Also, no offense intended

1. First of all, you should be lucky enough to find a guy who is man enough* to decide that you are someone awesome and that he genuinely, truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

2. Asian parents are too involved in their children’s lives. They almost always completely disapprove of their beloved son deciding to spend the rest of his life with a disabled girl.

3. His parents, siblings and even distant relatives may see you as a demonic entity whose sole intent in life is to destroy said guy’s life.

4. They will avoid you and never talk to you or acknowledge your presence at family gatherings.

5. His family will also talk passionately and in aggrieved tones about what an absolutely wonderful boy your S.O is in every possible way and lament the misfortune (you) that has befallen him right in front of your face.

6. Worse still, ancient aunts and neighbours might whisper, a little too loudly perhaps, that your S.O had to surely have sinned royally in his previous life to have deserved this fate (you) in this life.

7. If the two of you are brave enough to consider marriage, you will more than likely break several hearts, the first being your future MIL’s.

8. Marriage will most likely send your husband into exile as his family would probably disown him.

9. Already surrounded by guilt and doubt, you will begin to wonder whether you will be able to successfully raise a family with him owing to your disability.

10. If you are able to defy all odds and stay strong, united in your decision to be together, you and your S.O will likely have a very happy life together.

*I’m truly sorry to have resorted to using this phrase. But I don’t genuinely know how else to put it because guys, especially Asian guys (according to the many stories I’ve heard and my personal experiences) seem in need of growing a pair when it comes to dating a disabled girl.