A GoPro and a broken heart


You talk about
getting a GoPro
For when you go diving
To explore the coral reefs
And preserve your memories
In little plastic squares
I agree
And silently wonder
Where do I fit into that life
Or rather, how could I ever fit into that life

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Being mean to you


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Do you remember one day in class, when you sat next me and we were at the most boring lecture of our lives, and maybe we flirted? I don’t know for sure cause I’ve stopped interpreting signs from guys who seem interested in me, but it sure felt like you were flirting and that I too may have flirted back. You were wearing a purple t-shirt with a cartoon print on it and let me tell you, you looked completely adorable. You looked like a teenaged kid with your uncombed hair and clean shave. And that t-shirt made me want to just hold you in my arms. So cute. I was stealing glances at you as best as I could, given the fact that you were right next to me and to even steal a glance at you I had to turn my head in a very inconspicuous way. We laughed a lot that day. You made me giggle like a little girl. That’s another thing I love about you. Most of the time you just draw me to you with your quiet intensity but when you make me laugh, I feel like a little girl.

Ok I do not remember where I was heading with this post. Let’s see now. Yes, so we laughed a lot and presumably flirted that day. And then several days later you sat about two seats away from me. Then someone commented that you wore the same thing last week, the day that we flirted, and that you looked good in it. No it wasn’t the cutesy purple t-shirt, it was something else you were wearing. So you lean towards me and ask me whether I remember what you were wearing that day. Now, of course I do. You looked super cute that day. But I decided that I shouldn’t show you that I remember that. So I said I had no idea and how on earth am I supposed to remember what you wore when you couldn’t remember it yourself. I was quite loud. Your face twisted and you just looked away. I should’ve stopped there but I didn’t. I went on to add that you probably have only a few items of clothing because you wear the same things repeatedly. This was a lame, lame attempt at a joke which I thought would make you realize that I wasn’t being rude before. But it worsened the situation. Your face crumpled and you just stared at your shoes for quite sometime. I instantly regretted it and wanted to let you know how sorry I was but the damage was done. You even told me once that I’m repeatedly mean to you and that you’re offended by it. Of course, you have every right to be.

Why am I so mean to you? Why am I so afraid that you will find out I like you? Is it because you have an on again, off again relationship with her and I don’t want to be involved in that complicated situation? Is it my overriding pride which prevents me from appearing to like you? Do I not want to give you the satisfaction of learning that yet another girl likes you? But that’s BS isn’t it? What’s wrong with that? I think it’s because I’m so afraid of you discovering I like you a lot because I’m terrified of rejection. I don’t want to see you drift away from me and let our friendship slowly die. If you start distancing yourself from me I’d probably guess the reason, and that reason is too much for me to handle. I’d assume it’s because I have CP you are hesitant. Because you have shown an interest in me and even made a move on me once. Despite all of this, if you move away, I would be dealing with a lot of rejection. I think I’m also mean to you because it’s a lame attempt on my part to try and convince myself that I don’t like you as much as my heart tells me that I do.

Even just yesterday, when you told me you were sick I conveniently ignored it without making a comment and I later realized that I was doing it subconsciously. I wasn’t even aware of doing it. What harm could a kind word have done? Why couldn’t I have told you to at least get well soon? I wish I had though, I really do.

I’m so sorry okay? You’re a really sweet guy and you do not deserve my meanness. I just don’t know how else to handle this situation.

Let me tell you how I feel about you


Dearest Cerebral Palsy

I have been feeling that I have not mentioned you strongly enough in my blog, that I have been hinting at what you do to me but never going into detail about the love/hate relationship that I have with you (well, mostly hate, to be honest but there are certain times that I cannot help but love you the tiniest little bit). You have been a part of my life for 25 long years and I think that the time has come to show you off to everyone.

As I told you already, I hate you. I’m terribly sorry. I am not a bad person but I just can’t help it, you know. When I was a kid all I wanted was to play hide and seek, have a good old mud fight or dance in the rain as any other kid. But all you ever let me do was watch the neighbourhood kids play from my living room window. Oddly enough I was satisfied by doing just that because I had a vivid imagination, and in my mind I was there, playing with those kids.

As I grew up and became a teenager, I wanted to try out beautiful, high-heeled shoes just like any other girl. But you as usual were very adamant about me wearing sneakers or other such unglamorous shoes. This made it a heart-wrenching experience for me to visit shoe stores, just so you know. I’d see beautiful, shiny, high-heeled shoes in various colours on display and I’d have to settle for a pair of dark blue or black sneakers so that I can wear it with everything, and also because it’s hard to find comfortable shoes for me. I told myself that I’d never wear customized shoes; they were for old people with arthritis. So shoe shopping, an integral part of a girl’s life, was ruined for me thanks to you.

As I grew older, I developed an increased interest in boys. I had a crush on several boys and fervently hoped to be asked out each time. However, you were instrumental in making them back off. You broke my heart. I’m in love with this guy now. But he seems to be weighing his options, trying to decide whether you would end up dominating my life and make it difficult for him to be the most important person in my life. Thank you for that. I also desperately want to dance with him to “Beautiful in my eyes” by Joshua Kadison but you just wouldn’t let me. I bet you’re jealous because he’s cute.

You know, I always wanted to be a photo journalist or a wildlife photographer. You stepped in and decided that I shouldn’t be one.

There were times when you drove me to the brink of suicide. I had enough of your dominating, crippling, diabolical attitude.

However, I do love you a little too. You’ve taught me how to live with pain both emotional and physical. You’ve taught me that most of these battles in life are inconsequential compared to having you as a companion, and therefore, to let go of the little things that pull me down. You’ve taught me about compassion and understanding and about treating people with kindness, about understanding the story of everyone. For all these things, I love you.

Boys will be boys


A stolen glance
A flirtatious compliment
A text message that set my heart a-flutter
An almost-kiss
An “I love you” followed by you going completely off the radar
Telling me I look beautiful at a friend’s wedding
Telling me you don’t mind a girl who can’t walk
And filling me with a naive elation
I can surprisingly forgive you all
“Boys will be boys”
As horrible as it sounds,
You can get away with anything
Because you all are guys
Maybe that’s where I went wrong
Maybe I was trying to find love in a boy
When I should’ve been looking for a man
Maybe a man would call me beautiful and mean it
Maybe a man would kiss me like he wants to discover my soul
Maybe a man will be brave enough
To do something these boys never could
To love me for my soul
And not my body
For that, I’m still hopeful
I know one day my man shall come
Put back all my broken pieces together
And give me the love I was waiting all my life for

Twenty-five, Asian, disabled and looking for love


This list is compiled out of true stories I’ve heard and a few personal experiences in my journey to find love. Though not every single Asian is obviously like this, unfortunately there are quite a few of them around. Also, no offense intended

1. First of all, you should be lucky enough to find a guy who is man enough* to decide that you are someone awesome and that he genuinely, truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

2. Asian parents are too involved in their children’s lives. They almost always completely disapprove of their beloved son deciding to spend the rest of his life with a disabled girl.

3. His parents, siblings and even distant relatives may see you as a demonic entity whose sole intent in life is to destroy said guy’s life.

4. They will avoid you and never talk to you or acknowledge your presence at family gatherings.

5. His family will also talk passionately and in aggrieved tones about what an absolutely wonderful boy your S.O is in every possible way and lament the misfortune (you) that has befallen him right in front of your face.

6. Worse still, ancient aunts and neighbours might whisper, a little too loudly perhaps, that your S.O had to surely have sinned royally in his previous life to have deserved this fate (you) in this life.

7. If the two of you are brave enough to consider marriage, you will more than likely break several hearts, the first being your future MIL’s.

8. Marriage will most likely send your husband into exile as his family would probably disown him.

9. Already surrounded by guilt and doubt, you will begin to wonder whether you will be able to successfully raise a family with him owing to your disability.

10. If you are able to defy all odds and stay strong, united in your decision to be together, you and your S.O will likely have a very happy life together.

*I’m truly sorry to have resorted to using this phrase. But I don’t genuinely know how else to put it because guys, especially Asian guys (according to the many stories I’ve heard and my personal experiences) seem in need of growing a pair when it comes to dating a disabled girl.

Her


I’ve been wanting to watch Her for quite some time but just couldn’t find the time. I was intrigued by its unusual plotline and portrayal of deep human emotions in such a subtle way. Halfway through the movie I found myself wishing that I too was an OS like Samantha. This probably sounds more than a little weird. I mean why would anyone even think that in the first place?

Being disabled is a very lonely business. No one- not even your parents- understand what you’re going through sometimes. It is also very lonely when it comes to finding love. People just don’t seem to find us interesting enough. Or maybe because we’re are disabled, they don’t find us attractive enough. I don’t know what exactly, but something always seems to put them off or hold them back. Sure there are disabled people who have found love and are happily married, even. But I’m talking about the majority who have not.

So, watching “Her” made me want to experience love in a totally zero judgement sort of way. You know what I mean? Samantha is not even real. She’s not judged by how her body is shaped or whether she can have babies or cook a delicious dinner. Theodore just falls for her, the personality which Samantha has and develops. For me that’s the truest form of affection. And by the end of the movie, I was actually jealous of Samantha for having been able to experience love so deeply and in such fundamental form. And she got to leave Theodore as gracefully as is possible for someone in her position, with minimal collateral damage. I too want to feel the kind of love that Samantha felt, to share the type of meaningful and fulfilling (more or less) relationship that she shared with Theodore.

I feel like I will never be loved so completely and fully without judgement as long as I remain disabled, which I will be till the day I leave this earth. So I wish I could be an OS like Samantha. Is it wrong? I think not…