Compulsively I swipe left
Looking for you with every flick
I feel so empty
Compulsively I swipe left
Looking for you with every flick
I feel so empty
In a moment of sheer boredom I decided to sign up for Tinder. And given my luck in the dating world my friends too thought some mindless flirting would be good for me. You know, brush up my flirting skills and get back in the game sort of thing. Also, maybe maybe I would find someone actually dateable they said. You never know, they added. I had my doubts. So off I went.
And after many many left swipes and an equal number of right swipes I found myself chatting with multiple guys at the same time. Sadly this is not a story where I share with you the gross details of unsolicited dick pics I got or how guys got completely weird when I refused sex with them. The guys I chatted with were actually nice. And I believe were patiently waiting to broach the above subject at the correct moment because let’s face it, no guy actually goes on Tinder looking for a solid relationship.
What I wanted to share was how I was beginning to feel. The mindless right swipes and multiple chats were making me feel so hollow. As if the depth and meaning I look for in a relationship have been completely stripped off of it and that I was buying something in a shop. Glancing, evaluating, weighing but never actually having the time to use the product. Also the multiple chats. These guys were telling me their work issues, how late they go home, their passions, likes, dislikes, what they did during the day. All of the conversations revolved around those topics. As if it is my steady boyfriend sharing his life with me. This made me wonder whether all boys do this automatically, as a charming mechanism but never really meaning anything they say, or just talking when the mood strikes them and they are lonely. The ease and smoothness with which my Tinder matches slid into conversations with me made me wonder whether a majority of guys talk in a way that really forges a connection simply because initially it is just the thrill of acquisition, the physical desire. The need for sex.
Somehow these simultaneous conversations were all of the kind I wanted to have with a boyfriend one day, and on Tinder, these conversations completely lost meaning because many guys were sharing their thoughts with me (genuine or not) and therefore the subject matter of these conversations were reduced to something akin to small talk. A character build-up to impress the girl you seek to get.
And how many other girls would they in turn be talking about these things with? Isn’t all just so futile when you think about it? Swiping right on a hundred people, chatting up ten of them and not finding love?
I asked myself what I was doing on Tinder and what I seek to gain out of it. When I couldn’t come up with anything other than flirting, I knew Tinder would ruin a healthy relationship for me in future and I had to get away from it.
So after 10 days, I did
You know, sometimes I do wonder whether I pushed you away from me. Whether I had a chance to tell you how I feel about you but didn’t, because it’s ‘not nice for a girl to appear needy’. I have this overwhelming and possibly damaging sense of pride. I did not want to be rejected. I did not want to appear desperate. I did not want you to think that I’m totally crazy about you which I totally was. And also you had a complicated messy relationship with a girl which was falling apart at the seams. I think her tears and your conscience kept gluing it together. I didn’t want to be involved in any of that either. I didn’t want to be cursed by a good girl for taking her man away when she was trying so hard to keep him. No I couldn’t do that to her. I also didn’t know what you were doing. Did you want me only as a distraction? For some fun? And when things smoothen out between the two of you, you can pretend I never existed? I was so confused.
But I also revelled in the tiniest, most insignificant of moments where we were alone and you would do something so simple but it would make my day. Like that time when you told one of our friends to move seats so that you can come sit next to me. And then you proceeded to put your arm over my shoulder. Harmless and super friendly. But also, amazing for me since here I was crushing so hard on you and you actually forcefully sat next to me and put your arm across my shoulder and pulled me close (omggg). God knows I wanted so much to snuggle against you but I resisted. It was so special to me cause no guy I ever liked has done such a thing. Also smearing my face with ice cream on my birthday. No guy has done that and I found it to be extremely cute. I was melting inside faster than the ice cream on my face but oh well I pretended to be slightly annoyed. I revelled in those tiniest of moments. Because I never had them before. Dating or flirting was never strong points of mine. I’ve never dated. It is so difficult with my disability to find a guy who’d be willing to go out with me in this country. So you paying special attention to me was so special for me. When you showed me a thumbnail of a hot picture of yours that I didn’t actually recognise, and you asked me whether I’d like to go out with that guy (you) I said yes. Then you showed me the actual pic and I mocked you saying you photoshopped yourself. I don’t know. Later that was an oh my god moment for me. Like oh my god did he ask me out? The next day you showed me the same thumbnail and I ignored it. I don’t know. What the hell were we both doing? All I know is that those moments meant so much to me. Like when you called me beautiful. But if I do know anything, it’s that it’s too late now. For me. For both of us.
Do you remember one day in class, when you sat next me and we were at the most boring lecture of our lives, and maybe we flirted? I don’t know for sure cause I’ve stopped interpreting signs from guys who seem interested in me, but it sure felt like you were flirting and that I too may have flirted back. You were wearing a purple t-shirt with a cartoon print on it and let me tell you, you looked completely adorable. You looked like a teenaged kid with your uncombed hair and clean shave. And that t-shirt made me want to just hold you in my arms. So cute. I was stealing glances at you as best as I could, given the fact that you were right next to me and to even steal a glance at you I had to turn my head in a very inconspicuous way. We laughed a lot that day. You made me giggle like a little girl. That’s another thing I love about you. Most of the time you just draw me to you with your quiet intensity but when you make me laugh, I feel like a little girl.
Ok I do not remember where I was heading with this post. Let’s see now. Yes, so we laughed a lot and presumably flirted that day. And then several days later you sat about two seats away from me. Then someone commented that you wore the same thing last week, the day that we flirted, and that you looked good in it. No it wasn’t the cutesy purple t-shirt, it was something else you were wearing. So you lean towards me and ask me whether I remember what you were wearing that day. Now, of course I do. You looked super cute that day. But I decided that I shouldn’t show you that I remember that. So I said I had no idea and how on earth am I supposed to remember what you wore when you couldn’t remember it yourself. I was quite loud. Your face twisted and you just looked away. I should’ve stopped there but I didn’t. I went on to add that you probably have only a few items of clothing because you wear the same things repeatedly. This was a lame, lame attempt at a joke which I thought would make you realize that I wasn’t being rude before. But it worsened the situation. Your face crumpled and you just stared at your shoes for quite sometime. I instantly regretted it and wanted to let you know how sorry I was but the damage was done. You even told me once that I’m repeatedly mean to you and that you’re offended by it. Of course, you have every right to be.
Why am I so mean to you? Why am I so afraid that you will find out I like you? Is it because you have an on again, off again relationship with her and I don’t want to be involved in that complicated situation? Is it my overriding pride which prevents me from appearing to like you? Do I not want to give you the satisfaction of learning that yet another girl likes you? But that’s BS isn’t it? What’s wrong with that? I think it’s because I’m so afraid of you discovering I like you a lot because I’m terrified of rejection. I don’t want to see you drift away from me and let our friendship slowly die. If you start distancing yourself from me I’d probably guess the reason, and that reason is too much for me to handle. I’d assume it’s because I have CP you are hesitant. Because you have shown an interest in me and even made a move on me once. Despite all of this, if you move away, I would be dealing with a lot of rejection. I think I’m also mean to you because it’s a lame attempt on my part to try and convince myself that I don’t like you as much as my heart tells me that I do.
Even just yesterday, when you told me you were sick I conveniently ignored it without making a comment and I later realized that I was doing it subconsciously. I wasn’t even aware of doing it. What harm could a kind word have done? Why couldn’t I have told you to at least get well soon? I wish I had though, I really do.
I’m so sorry okay? You’re a really sweet guy and you do not deserve my meanness. I just don’t know how else to handle this situation.
I have always wondered, especially as of late, why I’m still single. I’m a mature, fairly intelligent girl with a decent face, a good education and a well-paying job in a highly recognized organization. So why does no one seem to want to be with me? I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even been asked out. Yet certain people I know with similar or worse disabilities than cerebral palsy seem to be doing alright. So why in my twenty-five years of existence have I never been the girlfriend of someone?
-Is it because you are afraid of having to look after me?
-Or am I just not hot enough?
-Do you think I’ll be too much of a responsibility?
-Are you afraid of being judged for choosing me?
-Are you just lazy to give that obvious extra effort required to maintain a relationship with a disabled girl?
-Do you think I will be a roadblock to you enjoying life?
-Or do you think there will be just too much family drama involved that it’s just best to not go out with me?
– Am I not wife material?
-Are you unable to picture a meaningful future with me?
-So it’s best to not start something that you cannot finish?
-Are you embarrassed by me?
What is it really? Why have none of you guys ever wanted a relationship with me?
I’m just curious.