Wishful thinking


I wish that someone someday

Would

Undress my soul with their words

Instead of my body with their eyes

Advertisements

Seven billion souls


There comes a point in our lives where the love of our parents and immediate family is not enough to make us feel loved, and we want to experience a different kind of love. 

And you search and search for that kind of love. And somewhere down the line, you are still as alone as you ever were. As alone and lonely as when you first started looking for that special kind of love.

And I was just alone with my bathroom thoughts when I realised that after years of trying to find love, I am still very much alone. And it was a very sobering feeling.

Like, imagine, if you were to die tomorrow, there would be no one else to miss you or love you other than your parents, immediate family and maybe a handful of friends. 

And there are seven billion souls in this world. Yet, not one of them is going to miss you in that special I’ve-lost-part-of-my-soul kind of way.

It is a really lonely feeling. Imagine, when you are an only child like me, and your parents are no more, you just know that there is no one in this world who actually, truly cares what happens to you. Like, there is no one to whom you specially belong or connect on another level.

Imagine that. It makes you feel so small. Sort of like you are just floating around without something to anchor you down.

How does one end up so completely alone in a world where it is teeming with equally lonely people? Wondering about the same thing staring at their cold dish of pasta for one in a one bedroom apartment?

How does one get to that point? 

Things that create us


Ever since we’ve been together I was used to waking up together. Usually snuggled in your embrace. You warm and reassuring against me. And almost always hard. So first and foremost we’d make love. Half asleep, smiling sleepily to ourselves, we’d make love. We’d love each other through habit and instinct rather than with wide awake enthusiasm. It was as if we needed this to function throughout the day. Our necessary prerequisite. And it was wonderful. It felt warm, private, intimate, a little rushed but slow and languid nevertheless. It was like a warm tray of your favourite breakfast, which I think it actually was.

You’ll be away for three days. I woke up missing your warmth against me and sleepily groped around for you before I realised you weren’t here and with that realisation,I was fully awake. Acutely aware of your absence and my body craving you I realised how together we have become. How… addicted to each other we are. How you wake me up with a sleepy kiss on my neck and how I kiss your hand in response. We’ve been doing that everyday and it has become habit. Just second nature to go through all of these tiny rituals with someone before you’re even fully awake for the day.

I look at my phone and there you are. My handsome baby. Just woken up with that messy hair I so adore and a message saying “I miss you already and I’m not even awake yet.”

It scares me you know. What if this doesn’t last and what if we will always need each other just to function? What happens if this isn’t meant to be? How can you become so addicted to another human being that without even knowing it you’ve become a part of their soul? Or what if this does last and our warmth ebbs away from us? Every kiss, every declaration of love perfunctory? What do we do then, sweetheart? Where will we go?

That sexy feeling


You know that feeling when you’re newly married and you’re stuck at work and all you can think about is rushing home to your husband and just having mad, crazy, passionate sex? How you can’t wait to rip his clothes off and bury yourself in him?

Well that’s exactly how I feel when I buy a new book

Connections


I recently bought the Samsung Galaxy s6 edge. In June, to be exact. It’s a lovely phone. Sleek and gorgeous, fast and efficient. I spent a considerable amount of money on it. But I’ve since become more and more aware of my loneliness and lack of real connection. I can add up to six numbers to access from the edge screen and assign a specific colour to each person so that the phone lights up in that colour when it’s turned face down. Though it’s useful technically, this made me acutely aware of how little we talk to people closest to us, or think are closest to us. And how few such people we have in our lives, people worth making real connections with.

I have with me a phone that can do pretty much anything a phone can do these days (yes, it can take animated photos or gifs too :P). At the press of an icon I can stream videos, podcasts or gather information about virtually anything I need. It recognises my voice and knows my food preferences based on search history.

Yet it fails to provide intimacy, or forge any real connections with those around me. It’s crazy, but I wish I could go back to using an old brick phone. The lack of connections in a phone designed purely for instant connection makes me feel rather empty. I absolutely love this phone. But it has made me do some soul searching. It could happen to anyone with any phone today I guess

To a beautiful little girl


So I’ve given it a lot of thought and I decided that if I ever have a daughter she will be called Sunaina. The name is of Sanskrit origin and it has a nice musical ring to it. Sunaina roughly translates into “girl with beautiful eyes”. And you my darling will of course have the prettiest eyes. Hopefully you will have mommy’s eyes, it’s her best feature I’ve heard. Anyway sweetheart I’m writing this because I don’t know if we will ever get to meet. But it’s crazy how much I love you already and how many plans I have for you, for us. All around me my friends are having babies and yes the fever has caught up to me too. But I’ve always wanted kids. More specifically I have always wanted a cute little baby girl.

I have always wanted to feel you kick and turn in my belly, growing from a teeny tiny little thing to a big girl so fast, ready to meet me. I want to get ultrasounds and cry happy tears as I watch you grow, to hear your strong heartbeat, oh it would be the best thing I ever hear.

I know it’s cliche to dress girls in pink. But let me dress you up in pink, baby. At least till you are about 5 years old. Let me buy you teeny tiny booties and flowery headbands and cute little pieces of jewellery because mommy has already fantasized about these moments so much. So please I hope that one day you will forgive me because there was a time in my life when you were nothing short of an almost impossible dream, so far away and so unattainable, a time in mommy’s life when she would see little girls and weep silently because she was almost a hundred per cent sure that she would never feel the absolute, incomparable joy of holding her own baby in her arms. So please my darling, I hope you would forgive me for dressing you up in pink.

I want you to grow up proud of who you are, to be confident in yourself and embrace your flaws. Be emotional, empathetic. Love animals, be kind to them. Help others always. Listen to their problems, troubles and sadness. Then you will truly be able to appreciate and enjoy life more. Realize how lucky you are. Go on, fall in love. Date someone who is your total opposite. Who knows, life gives you miracles. It will only make you stronger if it goes wrong and if it goes right, you can celebrate your choices. I will be there for you either way. Come to me with a broken heart or come to me with a first kiss, I will cry with you and I will jump up and down with you either way.

Mommy wouldn’t be perfect sweetheart, but she will try her best. If it means that she gets to have you in her life, I promise you that she will be the best person she ever was and she will give you the best that she possibly can. I may not be able to play hide and seek with you or race you till our throats hurt from laughing and screaming. But mommy will love you. Mommy will try her best for the best thing that ever happened to her.

I love you my darling angel. I really hope that we get to meet one day and I can’t wait to see you

PS: “I” could be anyone out there struggling to have a baby. You are not alone…