I worry

I don’t know what to do. I’ve been waiting for that one guy my whole life and then I find him, the one with whom I connect instantly, inexplicably and wordlessly. The guy who makes me smile just by looking at me. The caring thoughtful sweetheart who was always there for me. Except I knew I could never be his because he was already in a steady relationship.

Knowing this I fell for him. Hard. And fought with every bit of strength in me to get over him. To not fall any deeper. I tried falling for someone else. Tried pretending to crush on someone. Then I met someone with whom I actually connected. Things were great until he started talking about going on a date with me. I was hesitant because I barely knew him. Then one thing led to another and he ended up sexting me. Just words thank God. I was pretty turned on by that point and eagerly dove into his messages only to realise that I felt nothing at all. Nothing. Zero.

Instead it made me miss him. And I wished that it was he who was telling me all of this.

I’ve heard that in life you come across a person to whom your soul belongs. Whether as a partner, friend or sibling and that this person would always be special, would always have a different relationship with you from the rest and that you just cannot find that with anyone else.

Is it him? I really hope not.



All these thoughts I think of you
I wonder whether after I’m done thinking those thoughts, if they leave my body and just hang around in the air like bits of air, not knowing where to go, not belonging anywhere just floating about helplessly and aimlessly waiting for me to come back and claim them.

I wonder whether our first kiss, our wedding and our babies are floating around waiting for you and I to give them validity, to give them weight and anchor them to the ground.