Boys and CP

I have always wondered, especially as of late, why I’m still single. I’m a mature, fairly intelligent girl with a decent face, a good education and a well-paying job in a highly recognized organization. So why does no one seem to want to be with me? I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even been asked out. Yet certain people I know with similar or worse disabilities than cerebral palsy seem to be doing alright. So why in my twenty-five years of existence have I never been the girlfriend of someone?

-Is it because you are afraid of having to look after me?
-Or am I just not hot enough?
-Do you think I’ll be too much of a responsibility?
-Are you afraid of being judged for choosing me?
-Are you just lazy to give that obvious extra effort required to maintain a relationship with a disabled girl?
-Do you think I will be a roadblock to you enjoying life?
-Or do you think there will be just too much family drama involved that it’s just best to not go out with me?
– Am I not wife material?
-Are you unable to picture a meaningful future with me?
-So it’s best to not start something that you cannot finish?
-Are you embarrassed by me?

What is it really? Why have none of you guys ever wanted a relationship with me?

I’m just curious.

Let me tell you how I feel about you

Dearest Cerebral Palsy

I have been feeling that I have not mentioned you strongly enough in my blog, that I have been hinting at what you do to me but never going into detail about the love/hate relationship that I have with you (well, mostly hate, to be honest but there are certain times that I cannot help but love you the tiniest little bit). You have been a part of my life for 25 long years and I think that the time has come to show you off to everyone.

As I told you already, I hate you. I’m terribly sorry. I am not a bad person but I just can’t help it, you know. When I was a kid all I wanted was to play hide and seek, have a good old mud fight or dance in the rain as any other kid. But all you ever let me do was watch the neighbourhood kids play from my living room window. Oddly enough I was satisfied by doing just that because I had a vivid imagination, and in my mind I was there, playing with those kids.

As I grew up and became a teenager, I wanted to try out beautiful, high-heeled shoes just like any other girl. But you as usual were very adamant about me wearing sneakers or other such unglamorous shoes. This made it a heart-wrenching experience for me to visit shoe stores, just so you know. I’d see beautiful, shiny, high-heeled shoes in various colours on display and I’d have to settle for a pair of dark blue or black sneakers so that I can wear it with everything, and also because it’s hard to find comfortable shoes for me. I told myself that I’d never wear customized shoes; they were for old people with arthritis. So shoe shopping, an integral part of a girl’s life, was ruined for me thanks to you.

As I grew older, I developed an increased interest in boys. I had a crush on several boys and fervently hoped to be asked out each time. However, you were instrumental in making them back off. You broke my heart. I’m in love with this guy now. But he seems to be weighing his options, trying to decide whether you would end up dominating my life and make it difficult for him to be the most important person in my life. Thank you for that. I also desperately want to dance with him to “Beautiful in my eyes” by Joshua Kadison but you just wouldn’t let me. I bet you’re jealous because he’s cute.

You know, I always wanted to be a photo journalist or a wildlife photographer. You stepped in and decided that I shouldn’t be one.

There were times when you drove me to the brink of suicide. I had enough of your dominating, crippling, diabolical attitude.

However, I do love you a little too. You’ve taught me how to live with pain both emotional and physical. You’ve taught me that most of these battles in life are inconsequential compared to having you as a companion, and therefore, to let go of the little things that pull me down. You’ve taught me about compassion and understanding and about treating people with kindness, about understanding the story of everyone. For all these things, I love you.