Talking to you

There are so many things I wish I could tell you. Like how just a few hours back, I was outside just gazing at the night sky and there was this lone star twinkling in the sky and it made me think of you. I wish I could tell you that it made me think of you. I wish you and I were that simple, uncomplicated. It’s such a shame that we aren’t. Actually ‘we’ really don’t exist. There’s no you and I. Never was, I guess. There’s only me. And I wish I could talk to you about why you’re such an important part of my life no matter how much I try to ensure you aren’t. I wish you could help me figure this out. So that I can really, actually look for love in a place in which it really exists. But I’m afraid I can’t. Despite being adults. Despite my bursting at the seams with feelings for you which I just want to express and let go. But it’s never going to happen.

We have too much to lose. We see each other daily. We have a good friendship. Great mutual friends. My dignity if you may. What I don’t understand is why I am so beguiled by you. Why I am so attracted to you and why I care about your wellbeing so much. True, you are an awesome guy. And I’ve known many friends who’ve fallen for you. But for me it was a tad different. To me you were something more than a damn cute guy with brains and kindness to boot. I saw you as someone I could rely on. Someone who’d actually help another human being out of kindness without expecting anything in return. I got to see a side of you that others rarely did. To me you were the sweetheart who’d run up to me and carry my bag for me. Who would help me off a crowded bus slowly and patiently, and who actually thought and said I looked beautiful.

When you got drunk the other day, your silly antics rather than pissing me off, made me laugh. I thought you were being utterly childlike. And it was adorable. Knowing you had to drive back home, I wished there was a way for me to ensure you were safe.

I think it’s these things and more which sustain my feelings for you after all this time. And I really wish I could get it off my system by talking to you about all of this. But I can’t. At least I have this blog


I felt so hollow
Yet had everything I wanted
Always within my reach
Awaiting, eagerly anticipating
The warmth of my touch
The love in my words
Yet I felt it wasn’t right
We were wrong, not working
I forgot the nights we stayed awake
Holding hands and gazing at stars
The days you held me
When I was a drunk jobless mess
Or how my sorry excuse for a chicken soup
Cured your tummy flu
I had to leave
And I did
I never should have

Inspired by this Buzzfeed post


You hear me walking about
I’m gone for hours at a time
Sometimes I come back in the morning
Particularly after those nights
Where love fails to ignite
You think I’m ill
Though only I notice the symptoms
Cheap glitter
Stale beer spills
Decorate my shirt

Inspired by this Buzzfeed post